One Hundred And One Reasons
by CherrySmoothies
Summary: Looking for screams of agony, slap-stick humor, duels to the death, malicious pranks and weird situations? Fret not! It's all here. And by all, the author means all. Crack-fic. Some AU. Insanity in large doses. Profanity laced. A series of one shots. And the author is planning for an Akatsuki road trip!
1. The Descent Into Madness: 1 through 10

**Congratulations!**

**The Akatsuki is out for your blood! You were/are either a member — or very stupid. Here is a list of possible reasons why!**

**Introducing: 101 Ways To Get Killed By The Akatsuki**

**By the fabulous CherrySmoothies!**

**Standard disclaimer applied: I own nothing but my bunny rabbit slippers.**

**1.) Switch your partner's toothpaste with wasabi. 'Nuff said. This would also work with Vicks Vapo Rubs.**

The Problem: Hidan had bled all over Kakuzu's first dollar bill.

The Solution: Kakuzu switched Hidan's Colgate toothpaste with wasabi. He had never been more delighted to hear his partner's screams of pain.

"Kakuzu, you motherfucking son of a bitch, may all of your intestines _rot_ and dribble out through your _nose_ while your non-fucking-_existent_ soul watches in _agony_ from a cactus field!"

Good times, _good times_.

**2.) Hide Pain's pain medicine, preferably the Tylenol.**

Truly, it was quite amusing when you looked past the fact that _you were freaking dead_. Six feet under, departed, pushing daisies, whichever you preferred to call it. The fact still remained that Pain had just _eviscerated_ you.

**3.) Assign everybody theme songs.**

Tobi decided, in a fit of boredom one day, to assign everyone theme songs.

**Deidara** = Dude Looks Like A Lady (Deidara contemplated suicide.)

**Tobi** = Lollipop (Naturally.)

**Sasori** = Bring Me To Life (Sasori was rolling over in his grave.)

**Kisame** = Blue (Da Ba Dee) (Kisame was too busy laughing at this to comment.)

**Itachi** = Psycho Killer (Itachi was considering another murdering rampage.)

**Hidan** = Tubthumping (You shoulda seen the look on his face, but the members had been

hearing very…_unusual_, for lack of a better word, sounds coming from the upstairs bathroom when it was his allotted bath and/or shower hour.)

**Kakuzu** = Baby You're A Rich Man (Kakuzu suffered five simultaneous heart attacks.)

**Zetsu** = Mean Green Mother (Half of him was giggling and the other half was furious. It made for some very amusing blackmail later.)

**Konan** = Paper Planes (No comment.)

**Leader-sama** = You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch (Have you ever heard that song? It is freakin' hilarious! But still, Pain was not amused.)

**4.) Reveal a secret that no one really wanted to know.**

Let your imaginations run wild with this one.

One example: Tobi revealed that Itachi's neck and calves were ticklish. No one cared to know how he discovered this interesting factoid.

**5.) Start an aquarium.**

Kisame is not amused. Contrary to popular opinion (coughHidandamnyoucough), he could not breathe underwater. Nor was he part fish. He was still finding fish food in places he thought it impossible to find in.

**6.) Leave dirty socks strewn on the ground.**

The conversation between Leader-sama and Hidan went something like this:

Setting: Infirmary

Leader-sama: "Hidan, the next time you do that, Kakuzu will not help you reconstitute yourself. You should know better by now. Konan is very emotionally unstable. You do not tick off the emotionally unstable. They are violent."

Konan: *sticks her head through the doorway, clears her throat dramatically and gives the spontaneously generated chainsaw in her hands a few pointed revs*

Leader-sama: "…"

Hidan: "…"

Leader-sama: "I rest my case."

**7.) Give Tobi explosives.**

First off, Tobi (no offense) is a moron. And a good boy, but that's beside the point. And for the record, he isn't really a good boy, but this is getting all confuzzling and contradictory, so I'm going to stop now. Anyway, the _point_ is that you will have one explodified, top-secret, really expensive Akatsuki headquarters, one very angry Deidara, one very, very, _very_ angry Pain and one inconsolable Kakuzu.

**8.) Cancel the soap opera subscriptions.**

This was a recipe for disaster. Deidara was in tears, Hidan was considerably quieter and Itachi and Kisame were on strike. Finally, Konan convinced Pain with a new paper jutsu that this was a very _bad_ idea. A very, _very_ bad idea. A very, very bad, _painful_ idea.

Taking away the soap opera subscriptions from a group of deadly, homicidal men with nothing to do beside missions and training all week long… plus Konan… is just a recipe for disaster…

**9.) Question the will of Jashin**

Oh, I think I just went there.

**10.) Eat the last Oreo cookie**

Sasori's scream of rage still vibrated throughout the entire hideout. He was shortly joined by Deidara (one of the five occasions where he and his blonde partner had agreed on _something_) and Konan.

**TBC...**

**What horrors will await our favorite, psycopathic organization...?**

**And, as usual, reviews are good for the soul... ; )**

**I _always_ appreciate suggestions and critiques!**

**Doctor's Warning: Updates are sporadic and inconsistent and thus require your patience.**

**CherrySmoothies**


	2. Un

**I would like to thank the diligent TheRealGoodyTwoShoes for pointing out in her review my blatant disregard of the guidelines, so I am going to revise this a bit. Chapter One will be a table of contents, then the next ten chapters will be in-depth one shots based upon the Reasons. Then after those ten chapters are finished, I will post the next set. This will be a time consuming (and really _long_) venture, so bear with me.**

**Standard disclaimer applied. **

**Warning, I tend to deviate from canon to make things funnier, as seen in Kakuzu's memory.**

**So here we go! ****Number One on the list:**

**1.) Switch your partner's toothpaste with wasabi. 'Nuff said. This would also work with Vicks Vapo Rubs.**

The mission had gone absolutely _perfectly_. The sun was shining weakly through the Amegakure clouds and the bounty on one of the men's heads was a highly substantial amount.

In other words, Kakuzu was in a Good Mood. This was a rarely occurring circumstance, so he was planning to make the most of it — by taking a little trip down memory lane. He had pried open his oldest safe as soon as he had locked his door, now safely ensconced in his room, and was now lying on his bed, cooing at his First Dollar Bill.

And yes, it was so important, it was _**C**apitalized_. Take that, bitches-who-are-**u**ncapitalized! You have just been _**S**erved_!

...

Anways, it _was_ a truly gorgeous Dollar Bill. The years had not detracted an ounce from its beauty — its creamy green coloration, its gently feathered and ripped edges, and its heady scent of ink and paper and various other items that had been next to it in the money lover's pocket.

Kakuzu could remember the very day when he had recieved this monumental gift in clarity and perfect detail. He had been called into his father's study, where his father, a tall man with very un-cannon and elegant mutton-chop whiskers and a long pipe filled with a fragrant tobacco, had beckoned him closer before pressing something small and papery into his hands.

"What is it, sir?" Kakuzu had asked, and his father had explained that it was money and that you could buy things with it.

Kakuzu had gazed upon it in awe - this little piece of paper could be the start of an empire, or the founding piece in a millionaire's hoard.

And thus began his unhealthy monetary fascination. He then turned on his father, like a stray dog, and robbed him of every penny he had on his person. And then slit his father's throat for good measure. As his father lay writhing in agony, spasming before the jaws of death, twitching with the onset of rigor mortis - Kakuzu had just stared at his First Dollar Bill. It now had a faint tinge of copper - his father's blood - on it's beautiful paper, and Kakuzu believed it was all the more beautiful for it.

This memory was Kakuzu's earliest and fondest memory and he got the fuzzy tingles he normally associated with justifiable homicide (i.e. for money) or happiness (i.e. receiving money) every time he re-lived it.

But Kakuzu's Good Mood was too good to be true and could never last.

A loud bang jolted him from his reminiscing and his door was crudely flung open, and the blood-drenched form of his foul-mouthed partner stumbled in — and fell directly on top of Kakuzu — or more importantly, his First Dollar Bill.

The money-lover screamed. And screamed. And screamed. This was no ordinary scream of rage — this was the scream of a scared parent or terrified lover. It was strident and piercing and _loud_ and saturated with fear and anxiety.

"YOU BLATHERING IDIOT!" Kakuzu bellowed, flinging his partner off of himself and his precious Dollar Bill. Hidan hit the opposite wall with a wet smack and slid down it painfully. Hidan craned his head upwards to look at his partner.

"Son of a bitch, do you have to throw me so fucking hard? You batshit-insane-money-whore, I hope —,"

"What. Do. You. Want. _Now_?" Kakuzu ground out through clenched teeth.

"I was just fucking wondering if you had any more damn toothpaste — I just ran out." His partner held up a badly bloodied and flattened plastic tube.

"T-toothpaste?" Kakuzu growled, stuttering with rage, and stalked forward and grabbed his partner's collar, "_Toothpaste_? Why, I'll tear your _fingers_ off and feed them to you as _hot dogs_, I'll…" and as soon his rage had bubbled up, it died down and was replaced with the greatest idea in the whole history of Great Ideas. Why not replace his sadistic partner's toothpaste with…_wasabi_?

It was so brilliant and cruel and mean and just so deliciously _painful_.

"Why, of course, Hidan, my dear fucke…ah, man, wait right here, and I'll bring you some of mine." His infuriated bellow was now replaced with a sleek, candied purr.

Hidan nodded silently and took a seat on Kakuzu's bed. Kakuzu had to bite his fingers to restrain himself from throttling his partner for getting blood on his pristine — and second hand — sheets and blankets, but he stalked cheerfully out the door, nearly skipping with joy, and into the kitchen, where he spooned some potent wasabi into a small container and then skipped back out, whistling the score to "Mama Mia".

Sasori, who had been carefully pouring coffee into a mug, stared after the heavily stitched man, not paying any attention to the piping hot coffee that was trailing its way down his cloak-front.

Meanwhilst, Kakuzu deposited the container into his partner's lap and showed him to the door, slamming it behind him. He then proceeded to mourn over his First Dollar Bill.

And, well, The Rest, as they say, Is History.

**x.x**

**Reviews are love and food for the soul...**

**I will still love you all though, even if you don't review, but it would still be nice...**

**...**

**Oh, and thank you to the kind TearsOfTheFallen, for her (I assume that you are a she... if not, well, that'll make for an interesting conversation...) very kind review, I like number 6 also. ;]**

**Well, I like them all, but still...**

**CherrySmoothies**

**11-26-11: minor edits.**


	3. Deux

**On to Reason number two! Yaysie! **

**Standard Disclaimer applied.**

**Doctor's Warning: CRACKITY-CRACK-CRACK-CRACK!**

**X.X**

**2.) Hide Pain's pain medicine, preferably the Tylenol.**

It had all started out as a dare - and then went to hell in a hand basket. With bright ribbons on the handle...

So, one of Kakuzu's partners, a particularly nondescript young man whose only faults were an abundance of cheerfulness and a great sense of fun (think: the missing-nin version of Maito Guy, who, much to Kisame's chagrin, even forgets Kisame's name on a regular basis. And on a completely unrelated subject, he mistook Deidara for a girl the first time he met him. Truly, his lifespan was a ticking time bomb.), had been dared (by Kisame) to hide and dispose of Pain's trusty best friend, Tylenol.

So, the unfortunate man (let's call him George) snuck into Pain's office and stole the multiple bottles of Tylenol stashed within the second drawer down on the left hand side - and beat a hasty retreat.

Now, to dispose of the evidence: he lit the bottles on fire and danced around it. Cackling. In the yard. The front yard, to be precise.

Now, dear readers, _fire_ is rather distinctive. If you were on _fire_, you wouldn't be wondering, '_Oh, gee, what's happening to me? Is this a form of budding?_'

_No_. You'd know _damn_ well that you were on _fire_. And, say, if you saw a _fire_ in your _yard_, you'd probably go _investigate_. Also, if you wanted to dispose of something via _fire_, you'd probably choose a discreet location and be on stand-by with a bucket of water in case everything goes south. _Fire_. Word, bitches.

...

So, thus, we can now infer that another of George's faults was stupidity. It didn't help his chances of survival _in the **least**_.

And that was how Pain came upon him. And boy, was he was _ma-ad_.

Well, at first, he appeared to be bitingly calm. "What," he said sleekly, "pray tell, are you _doing_?"

George peered up at the leader, an insane glint in his eyes. "I am sacrificing the Great Evil that is Tylenol to the Great God, Advil!"

A large vein started throbbing on Pain's forehead. His right eye started to twitch furiously and he strode forward and grabbed George's collar, hoisting him several feet into the air. "_You. Do. **Not**. Sacrifice. The. **Tylenol**._"

So Pain delivered an old-fashioned beat down to poor, unfortunate George and then sacrificed _him_ to the Great_er_ God, Tylenol, The Merciless.

Kakuzu just watched on from his bedroom window with an air of detached amusement as his deranged boss burnt his one-time partner to a crisp, and then carried on with his life.

_'That makes six. When will they learn?'_ he mused to himself silently. _'Well, never, most likely. Anyway, I don't need a partner - don't even want one. Even if they did find someone, that someone wouldn't last a day.'_

Famous last words.

...

**11-26-11: minor grammatical errors fixed.**


	4. Trois

**Reason number three! I'm sorry for the huge gaps in updates: I've had lots of chores, and school started. Meaning I now have Bio. Eurgh.**

**But who cares? On with the story!**

**Standard Disclaimer Applied.**

***Insert something else witty in here***

**x.x**

**3.) Assign everybody theme songs.**

Tobi was a Good Boy. This was a Fact.

Unfortunately, Tobi was also an Easily-Bored Boy. That too, was a Fact. So, after senpai had exiled Tobi from his workshop/other-fancy-and-artistic-name/converted-water-closet, Tobi had turned on the radio to pass the time - and was then struck with a Brilliant Idea: why not give senpai and the other members…_theme songs_ — for their dynamic (or lack thereof) entrances!

I mean, come on, who _didn't_ have a theme song? Chuck Norris' was going to be "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" (I kid you not), Batman had one, and jeez, even the author has one, and that, my children, is _sad_.

So, Tobi found the only pen in the base (except for the jar of pens in Pain-sama's office: those were absolutely _sacred), _the one Itachi used to open pickle jars with - that was a very long and convoluted story...- and a very grubby piece of Konan-chan's origami paper and began.

First of all, Deidara-senpai would need a special song, because Deidara-senpai was _awesome_! Tobi would have to come back to that.

The swirly-masked maniac chewed on the pen's cap absentmindedly and mused, only to be interupted by a sharp whap! on the nose with a roll of newspaper by Konan-chan, who had just entered the room.

Tobi whimpered and set the pen cap down. Konan flicked it off the desk and into a trashcan.

"Bad Tobi, _bad_! _Don't_ chew things! _Bad boy_!" she admonished sternly.

"Tobi is sorry, Konan-chan. Is Tobi a good boy?"

Konan snorted. "Oh, Madara, you cutie pie, you. You sound like an insecure girl on the day before prom."

Tobi's voice took a turn for the darker side of his personalities. "Oh bite me, Konan-_chan_."

Konan raised a blue eyebrow. "Was that an offer, Tobi-_chan_?"

"I hate you." Madara/Tobi grumbled/pouted. "And no, it was _not_."

Konan ruffled his hair affectionately and walked out of the room, calling over her shoulder, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

A very large and protuberant vein started pulsating on Madara's forehead. Somewhere in the world, a basket of kittens imploded.

**x.x**

**Epilogue**

"Hey, Deidara-senpai?"

Sigh. "Yes Tobi?"

"Am I beautiful?"

"BWAH? IS THIS A JOKE, YEAH?"

"No, really, am I beautiful, senpai? Senpai? _Senpai? SENPAI?"_

**x.x**

**As always, reviews are food for the soul. _Think of the kittens!_**

**Cherry-who-may-or-may-not-be-a-Smoothie(s)**

**11-26-11: Oh, and I would like to thank MaXdana, who has showed me the error(s) of my ways, pun thoroughly intended.**

**I have indeed changed those errors (or some of them, at least!). ;}**

**x.x**


	5. Quatre

**I'm baaaack! ****Miss me?**

**I'm so sorry for the delay.**

***Insert excuses right here***

**Standard and Witty Disclaimer Applied**

**...**

**4.) Reveal a secret that no one really wanted to know.**

Itachi Uchiha had had _enough_. As a matter of fact, Itachi Uchiha had had _more_ than _enough_.

Firstly, he had a terminal _disease_.

Secondly, his brother hated him.

Thirdly, his ex-village hated him.

Fourthly, well, _everybody_ hated him. _Especially_ that goddamn jar of _fucking_ pickles that would not _open_. Well, maybe not _fucking_ pickles. That brings up some pretty peculiar mental images.

Still, the point _remains_, and the fact that pickles were Itachi's comfort food was an obscure one at best, and Itachi preferred to _keep_ it that way.

So Itachi sawwed and levered away at the lid with his trusty pickle-opening-pen, swearing under his breath. He had run it under hot water, rubbed margarine on it, jumped on it and tried pretty much every other trick known to mankind to open it.

However, the Universe was conspiring against him — both in the form of the evil pickle jar, and in the form of an orange-masked moron. Tobi came skipping into the kitchen, full of youthful energy and literally sparkling with positive emotions.

It made Itachi _sick_, quite frankly — and made him want to go curl up in his so-dubbed-by-Kisame "Emo Corner".

However, hopefully Tobi wouldn't notice him. He shrank down behind the island in the kitchen, clutching his shoulders and rocking back and forth a little.

However, alas and alack, his wish was not meant to be.

"Hi, Itachi-san! Whatcha doin'?" Tobi peered down at Itachi.

A plethora of nasty comments ran through Itachi's head, all of which had something to do with "your mom…".

"Absolutely _nothing_ that concerns you, Tobi. Run along now."

...

"Were you trying to open that pickle jar, Itachi-san?"

"...no."

"Re-eeally?"

"_Yes_."

"Are you suure, Itachi-san?"

A long pause. Someone's foot taps.

"_Fine_! Yes, I was trying to open the pickle jar! Whats it to you?" Itachi snapped, ashamed of himself as he felt the prickle of tears of annoyance (ANNOYANCE, I TELL YOU! NOTHING ELSE...)

Tobi blinked. And again. And again. Did Itachi-san actually sound..._choked up_? Oh dear, maybe Itachi-san needed a hug... or even...?

"TICKLE TACKLE!"

"Argh, god, NO! Bad Tobi, BAD. Off-ff, no-no-please-no, not there, _argh_ —!" All that was discernable of what had once been the two _separate_ bodies of Itachi and Tobi, were now a few twitching limbs, a flash of orange and two mops of dark hair.

During this ferocious fight, this bludgeoning brawl, this dangerous dust-up, this — sorry, I'll get to the point — an unwelcome figure strolled into the kitchen, of a tall person carrying a decapitated head aloft and away from his body.

Of course, it was Kakuzu, holding the head of his newest partner, Hidan, aloft. He stopped dead three feet away from the kitchen's island, the scene of the crime.

"What." He deadpanned, his voice plumbing astonishing new depths of disgust, "are you doing?"

Itachi, having finally managed to wrestle Tobi to the ground, holding his wrists down in a vaguely suggestive and sexual manner, craned his head upwards to peer into Kakuzu's face.

"…please don't tell anyone about this…"

Kakuzu held his hand out expectantly, "Paycheck."

Itachi jerked his head backward, "It's in my back pocket."

_Oh _hells_ to the _no, Kakuzu thought, but against his better judgment, he set Hidan's head down roughly on the island and reached into Itachi's back pocket delicately and —

The one person who could've made this situation any worse than it already was walked in, looking critically at the sorry threesome, err, _trio._

"Well, well, _well_," Leader-sama said dryly, eyeing them.

"Sir, this isn't what it looks like." Kakuzu said with a hitch in his voice that once, long ago, was the long lost cousin of despair.

"_Fascinating_." Leader-sama poked at the severed neck of Hidan, garnering several choice swear words from the Jashinist.

...

**Conclusion:**

"Does anyone else have anything left to add to this months meeting?"

"Ooh, ooh, I do! Oh, pick me, pick me!"

Sigh. "Yes, Tobi?"

"Did you know that Itachi's neck and calves are ticklish? Oh, and also his knees!"

Konan blinked. Deidara cackled unrestrainedly, only to be silenced mid-chortle by Itachi's signature Mangekyo Sharingan Glare of Death (TM).

"Well...um...we," Konan shot a desperate glance at her partner, who merely shook his head, "well, we didn't actually know that...um..thank you, Tobi. Um, well on that note, this meeting can, ah, be adjourned."

**x.x**

**Whatcha think? Good, bad - or other? *eyebrow waggle***

**Remember, reviews are food for starving authors.**

**-CherrySmoothies-**


	6. Cinq

**I have such bad manners: I haven't thanked anyone for a chapter or so: what kind of an author-wannabe am I? So, here it is: THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH! I loves all of yous, especially ye who reviewe. **

**Oh gods, I'm turning into a review, er, person. Not a word that rhymes with "more". What ever gave you that impression...?**

**And(!) I'm very sorry for the inconstancies concerning Pain's name, varying from Pain to Leader-sama: I will rectify this soon. Er...maybe…**

**And for those who didn't know, _Tanked_ is a televisional feast on aquariums... hint hint. Ugh, this is turning into a novel... or at least a novella - but I digress!**

**Standard disclaimer applied!**

**5.) Start an aquarium**

"Well, Kisame-san, why don't you tell me why you're here?" the kindly looking therapist peered over the tops of his Therapist: Standard Issue Glasses (trademark) to look at the gilled man.

Kisame twiddled his thumbs, peering down at his feet hesitantly. The therapist prompted him with a gentle cough.

"Well, it all started when Leader-sama went away on vacation with Konan-san…"

…

It was a grim, grey, lazy day in Amegakure. The sun was completely obscured by the clouds and thick sheets of cold rain were sleeting down all over the city, countryside, and more specifically — the Akatsuki's Headquarters/Hideout.

But that did not stop Kisame from feeling as chipper as a chipmunk — nay, he felt _invigorated_ by the pouring water!

Unlike his fellow members...

Sasori was holed up in his room, either working on more poisons, or just vegetating; Deidara, too, was stuck indoors, the rain dampening his explosions and, as he claimed, his creative juices. Tobi...well, absolutely nothing stopped Tobi, so what was a little _rain_ compared to the urge to frolic in the dewy and green fields like a rabbit? So, for better or worse, Tobi, at least, was out of the house.

That left Kisame's own partner, the "Zombie Brothers" — and Zetsu — who was off on a mission, both sides muttering darkly.

Itachi was lodged in the infirmary, sleeping off an over-usage of his Sharingan (among other things...take that how you will) — and Kakuzu and Hidan were probably attempting to murder each other somewhere — claiming a dual lack of "stuff" to do.

So that left Kisame to train vigorously, eat fish food (afternoon snack…) and then watch _Jaws_, re-runs of _Shark Week_, _Tanked,_ _Finding Nemo_, _The Little Mermaid,_ etc. while holding (i.e. cuddling) his Collectable _Jaws_ Plushie. Y'know, real manly stuff like that.

Basically, he was in fishy-sharkie heaven.

Until Hidan, gore covered and blood splattered flopped down on the couch beside him, announcing in much more vulgar terms than the author was willing to write down that he was "tired." Kisame, of course, recoiled in disgust at his disheveled appearance and scooted several inches further down the length of the couch, turning up the volume on _Tanked_.

Hidan leaned forward into the direction of the television. — whether his reaction was due to loss of blood or genuine interest will never be known, but his action started the entire unholy event.

He stared into the television's depth for a few minutes, apparently listening intently. Kisame eyed him warily and started slightly when he began to speak.

"You know," he stared at Kisame, eyeing him unabashedly up and down the length of his body (Kisame began to turn a very fetching shade of magenta), "we should start an aquarium."

"I — I beg your pardon?" The blue shark man asked disbelievingly.

Hidan's grin grew wider. "Well sure, why not, really? I mean, you could be the shark, we could probably bribe Kakuzu into dressing up as…something… and we could build tanks - that would be so totally fucking _awesome_...!"

Kisame gulped and clutched his Collectable _Jaws_ Plushie closer to himself.

…

"And?" the therapist prompted.

"…I don't really want to talk about it…"

Suffice to say, Kisame later told the man, in utter and complete confidence, that he was still finding fish food in places he thought it impossible to be found.

The therapist (to his credit) only blinked, then offered Kisame a tissue and his card, patted him on the shoulder and sent him on his (not so) merry way.

...

**Personally, I absolutely adore/love therapists: it's just so easy to make fun of them! Don't get me wrong, most of them are great people and genuinely helpful, but the whole institution of "therapy" and "human psychology" and "stuff" makes me wonder about Freud...**

**And it also provides great fodder for fanfics!**

**And then there(')(?)(...grammar...yargh)s the infamous therapist anagram...**

**Anyways, cheers!**

**CherrySmoothies**


	7. Six

**Disclaimer: Naruto c. Kishimoto.**

**I.E. I own nothing and make no profit from this!**

**6.) Leave dirty socks strewn on the ground.**

"Pain," Konan announced, "I am not happy with your organization." And with that weighty proclamation, she thrust the sock she was carrying into Pain's face

"My organization?" Pain asked, bemusedly. "Since when was it mine? I distinctly recall - wait, what are you...holding - gag, hack, cough!"

"It was your organization, and thus _your_," she poked him in the chest severely, "responsibility to keep your _bitches," _(Akatsuki members everywhere shuddered as one and felt a sense of annoyance), "in tow! And it was since_ I_ decided to blame _you!_" Konan declared angrily, straightening herself like a ramrod.

"More likely you're just afraid of blaming Tobi…" Pain coughed. "Anyway, whose sock is that anyway?"

"It's Hidan's, for your information - and DID I DETECT AN INSULT?"

"…not necessarily…"

Deidara stuck his very blonde, very beautiful, and, at the moment, very unwanted head into the office and yelled with a certain degree of satisfaction and glee, "OH SNAP, SOMEONE'S 'BOUT TO GET A KONAN BEATDOWN!"

_…Twenty minutes later…_

Pain wheeled himself down the hallway to the kitchen, in terrible and desperate need of pie (chocolate, to be specific) to appease the raging beast in his office that used to be known as his childhood best friend — and of a spatula to scrape what was left of Deidara off the office floor, as oozing organs and brittle bones didn't make for very fine décor, not to mention that the stench would become unbearable in a few days.

Besides, the rotting flesh of an organization member didn't really add to the effectiveness of the Akatsuki and made for bad moral all around.

Once in the kitchen, he confronted Hidan, who was standing at the coffee machine, discoursing loudly about the joys of Jashinism and coffee with blood extracts to Itachi (who, truth must be told, looked rather intrigued), with a menacing glare from his one un-blackened eye. "_You_." He growled, "You have no idea how much I _loathe_ you right now. Why the_ crap_ did you leave your _repulsive_, _dirty socks,"_ here he paused for effect (Tobi gasped theatrically to add to the moment), "out on the _floor_ — where others," ("Konan," Itachi muttered sagely.) "can smell them?" Pain continued.

Normally, a man in a wheelchair (thus several feet shorter than you were) would not be anything to fear — but this was no ordinary man. This was Pain: God Incarnate, Leader of Amegakure, Wielder of the Legendary Rinnegan and now the Most Furious Man on Earth.

But did this affect Hidan? Oh no.

No, no, _no_. _No_.

Hidan snorted, "Like fuck, old man. I don't have to fucking explain myself to you - especially," he added with a sneer, "when you're about three fucking feet tall."

Itachi, filling in for Deidara at this moment, muttered "Oh snapple..."

Later, all would say that Leader-sama's "Spartan Wheelchair Attack" was the stuff of legend: with Hidan's dismembered head ending up in the fridge (to the great horror of Kakuzu when he found it on top of his frozen dollar bills, who was prepared for all eventualities, including those of apocalyptic caliber), and his testicles in the toilet bowl. His various other organs were scattered far and wide, but the most notable were those found in the Headquarters.

When Konan's bloodlust was eventually sated (and Deidara put back together), Hidan swore a solemn oath to never, _ever_ leave socks (esp. dirty ones, according to Claus Three of the Verbal Contract of Sock Ownership As Pertaining to Hidan) out ever again ("Well, at least not where she can fucking see them." Hidan griped, wincing tenderly and dribbling blood from one corner of his mouth. "My fucking spleen will never be the same...Damnit, now I can't feel my fucking pancreas!").

**Epilogue:**

"Hey Sakura-chan," Naruto called, brow furrowed.

"What, Naruto?" The medic sighed, looking up from her desk in the Hokage's Office.

"What's this?" Naruto held up a fleshy organ, frowning bemusedly. Sakura stifled a shriek and said in an admirably steady voice, "Naruto, I think that's a pancreas, but I'm not getting any closer to it. Now please throw it away."

"Ew, sure thing..." he quickly threw it out the window with a deft flick of his wrist.

"Anything else, Naruto? Any more body parts you want me to identify?" Sakura regretted saying it almost the instant the words left her mouth, as Naruto donned a familiar shit-eating grin and drawled, "Weeelll..."

The medic groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Just go..."

The blonde numbskull grinned, "Okay, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura went back to work with a shake of her head, and then was struck by an alarming thought, blanched, and yelled to his retreating back, "Hey, Naruto, how'd you get that past security?"

**Back At Headquarters:**

"Oh sweet Jashin, I have a bad feeling about my pancreas!" Hidan groaned sometime in the middle of the Akatsuki Bi-weekly Scrabble Night.

"Oh, quit your bitching."

**Been a long time, ja? Well, I'm not giving up yet! Dattebayo!**

**I want to thank you all for the reviews and watches etc. It really means a lot to me! Not to mention putting up with all the sporadic updates, and the commas and the parentheses!**

**About this chapter: Yes, it has deviated from the example I provided in the intro, but I think this is better...hopefully. Still, I hope to use more chainsaws in the future!**

**And hey, we gotta a revamped title!**


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